Saturday, April 11, 2009

The storm of the gay agenda

I'm really worried, as I just saw this ad about the threats to our liberty posed by dudes who want to marry other dudes and chicks who want to marry other chicks:

Ominous, isn't it? Well, this advertisement barely scratches the surface, as I have recently gained access to some secret documents that reveal the very truth behind the gay agenda. Oh sure, it's bad enough with its lies about how people don't choose to be gay. I mean, I don't know about you, but every morning I have to look in the mirror and make the conscious decision to be attracted to women. Of course, I have to make sure that I am only attracted to my wife, because according to Da Jeebus, if I look at any other woman lustfully, then I'm pretty much an adulterer.

Anyway, it's worse than you thought, as this agenda also covers the following insidious plans:

  • Getting rid of strawberry-flavored Starburst
  • Forcing all balding men to get a buzz-cut (They already claimed me on this one!)
  • Making a third Scooby Doo movie that introduces Scrappy Doo
  • Putting a dress on the Lincoln Memorial
  • legislating that all sprinklers must be in the shape of naked men
  • changing the end of the Pledge of Allegiance to say "FAAAABulous!"
  • Raising the price of tacos
  • promoting Barbara Streisand to Empress of the Universe, where her iron will shall be enforced by the Village People
Frightening, isn't it? Is this what you want, America? Well, as though that list isn't enough, that video has subtly revealed something even more disconcerting. Apparently, a storm is coming and that can only mean one of two things:

1. The gays have recruited Thor to their side. Now, it's possible that maybe they recruited Zeus or some other storm-god. More likely, they have ALL of the pagan storm gods on their side now! Figures that the gay agenda would stoop so low in order to destroy the one, true religion: Taoism. No, wait, I mean Christianity.

2. The gays have joined up with COBRA and now have use of Destro's Weather Dominator! This, my fellow Americans, must not stand!

So there you have it. The gay agenda is far more insidious than you could possibly imagine, and their recruitment drives have potentially reached pagan pantheons and/or COBRA (the ruthless terrorist organization that GI JOE fights. You want to be on GI JOE's side, don't you?)

Oh, and then there's this crap that I found:


Anonymous said...

You are awesome. Thanks for writing this!

Lance Christian Johnson said...

My pleasure, and thanks to you.