Better Bible Stories - Noah

God was checking out his creation one day and said to himself, "Well, these humans turned out to be just plain shit."  Of course, being omniscient and all, he knew that this was going to happen and that he would feel this way.  It's not like there was any surprise, but still...

God decided to blot out humanity, which He knew that He was going to decide before He decided it.  He also wanted to snuff out all of the animals.  Why all of the animals?  God's ways are mysterious to us, but it has been surmised that spiders gave him the creeps, and perhaps that's what this was really all about in the first place.

There was one guy whom God thought was pretty decent, so He figured He'd save that guy and maybe his family too.  And the Lord went down and spoke to that man because this was a time when He spoke to people who weren't insane.

Thus spake The Lord:  "Hey."

"Huh?  Who was that?"

"Me."

"Me?  Me who?"

"I am that I am."

"Umm...okay.  Look, can you just be straight up with me?  I've got a lot of stuff to do today."

"Ugh.  Okay.  Fine.  I am The Lord, Your God."

"Oh yeah?  Well, why didn't you just say so?  What can I do for you?"

"I have determined that I will wipe out all of humanity."

"Really now?  Well, thanks for the warning.  Guess I'd better go tell my wife I love her."

"No, no...not you.  I'm going to save you."

"Really?  Well, if you're wiping out the rest of humanity, it's going to get awful lonely.  I'll be kinda like Burgess Meredith in that one Twilight Zone episode, only there aren't even any libraries around here.  See, there's still irony with that, even though I have perfect vision."

"Will you stop?  I plan on saving you and your family."  God was feeling frustrated, and if he had a circulatory system, no doubt his blood pressure would have started to rise.

"Oh?  Okay then.  That's not so bad.  So, when's this going to happen?"

"Soon.  First you must build an ark made of gopher wood."

"Gophers are made out of wood?"

"No, it's a kind of wood that gophers like to eat, or something.  Anyway, you need to build it 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high.  Make it three levels."

"Man, that sounds like a lot of work, but yeah, okay.  Do you mind if I ask what the point is?"

"I am going to flood the Earth and drown every living thing.  The ark will ensure your survival."

"Like Deucalion and Utnapishtim?"

"Umm...yeah, kinda like that."  God felt embarrassed.  Stupid Greeks and Babylonians.  "But you also need to save two of each animal, one male and one female.  Except for the clean ones, with those you need seven of each one, because seven is a lucky number."

"Umm...okay.  Any chance you can make that boat for me?"

"What?  Build it for you?"

"Well, it wouldn't be a big deal for you, would it?"

"Of course not!  I am God!  I am all-powerful!  I created all of existence with but a thought!"

"Okay then, just poof it into existence."

"I will not be ordered around by one of my creations!"

"Well, it wasn't an order.  I was just hoping that you'd do me a favor.  Look, I get it.  You want me to build a boat, I'll build a boat."

"Good.  See it is done.  You have seven days."

"One week, right.  Say, why are you doing this?"

"Because humanity is wicked and violent."

"Really now?  All of them?"

"Yes.  They are awful."

"Even the babies?"

"What?"

"The babies," said the man.  "Are they evil?"

"Well, no, of course not, but they have evil parents, so they don't have any hope."

"I could adopt a few of them.  So, why not save some of them and bring them to me?  I figure I can probably take on about five."

"No, no, no.  That's not going to work.  Gonna have to play the 'mysterious ways' card here."

"Fine, fine.  But why do you have to drown them?  That's a pretty awful way to die."

"Indeed it is.  But I have decided that this is the best way to cleanse the Earth."

"You mean commit genocide."

"That's such an ugly word."

"Okay, but why can't you just go 'poof!' and have all of these evil people disappear?"

"Because it must be a flood.  You mentioned Deucalion and Utnapishtim.  There's precedent here."

"But kittens and puppies?  They need to die too?"

"Yes!  Do you have a problem?  Who are you to question your Lord?"

"I dunno.  You gave me a brain, and I'm just saying that this all seems awfully convoluted."  The man sighed. "Okay, forget that I said anything.  How am I going to get all of these animals on the ark?"

"They shall come to you."

"Okay.  How do I get lions to not attack the other animals?"

"Am I not your Lord?  Can I not do anything?"

"Well, anything except behave rationally..."

"I am warning you!"

"Fine.  Fine.  What am I going to feed them?"

"Dried foodstuffs."

"Dried foodstuffs?  Where am I going to get that?"

"There's a Petco around the corner.  Go there."

Okay, is this a young-Earth creationist version of the story or an old-Earth version?"

"What?"

"Well, do I have to deal with dinosaurs?  If so, I'm sorry, and I don't care what those guys at the Creation Museum say, this is all just going to be way too crazy..."

"We're done."

The next day, God came down to another man.  He liked this one too, even though he was a bit of a drunk.  But the good thing about drunks is that they don't ask too many questions.

"Noah..."