Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Screw Chuck Norris

I was at Barnes and Noble today, and I couldn't help but notice a book called Black Belt Patriotism. Who was the author? No, not William Shakespeare! It was none other than Chuck Norris.

Needless to say, (and yet here I am, saying it - or writing it, but if you asked me to say it, I would,) curiosity got the better of me, and I had to take a look at it. Perhaps ol' Walker, Texas Ranger had some unique spin on this country's current situation that we've never heard before.

I couldn't get past the dust jacket. Apparently, the problems with America are that illegal aliens are flooding our country, Islamo-terrorists want to kill us, and "activist" judges aren't interpreting the Constitution in the way that conservatives want them to do it. Oh, and we're driving Da Jeebus (a.k.a. God) out of all of our public institutions. What's even worse, some people have the nerve to question whether there even is an all-powerful magic man in the sky! How crazy is that?

Ugh. Is this book really necessary? I mean, what, are Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Michael Savage, Ann Coulter, Douchebag McFuckface, Assy McAnusburger, and Shitforbrains Q. Pundit-Ass not enough? I don't know, perhaps Chuck Norris actually has a new take on all of those things, but somehow I just don't see it happening.

The thing is, I've actually sat down and watched about half an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, and there's no way that the man behind that has an IQ that's higher than Cheez Whiz.

I realize that it's hip and retro to like Chuck Norris. I've read the list of things about Chuck Norris, like how his tears cure cancer, but he never cries. It's funny, I'll admit, but he didn't have anything to do with that.

So, screw Chuck Norris.


Ingrid said...

I saw him on Larry King not too long ago, gosh, does he sound stupid . I have the feeling some actors think they are what they play.

Dan said...

Yeah, I saw him on King as well. Wouldn't even let the other panel members speak, kept interrupting. Just another right-wing idiot. What a douchebag...

Kaboom32 said...

He has the qualifications to be a Republican: The guy is divorced, has a child out of wedlock, and starred in violent movies. Not to judge any of those, since violence does solve everything. but his two greatest accomplishments are getting his ass kicked by Bruce Lee in Return of the Dragon and starring on Late Night with Conan O'Brien whenever the lever was pulled. I hereby move that all "Chuck Norris Facts" should now be renamed "Bruce Campbell Facts." Hail to the King, baby.