Women who aren't repulsive

I've never been very good at most forms of generic guy talk. I don't know anything about sports, and all I know about cars is how to drive one, how to put gas in it, and how to change a tire. I suppose that beer is a manly thing to talk about, but there's only so much you can talk about unless the other guy is a beer-geek like me. There's one other thing that I've never been very good at, and that's talking about women.

At many of the jobs I've worked, I've had to listen to men engage in the form of guy talk where they discuss some woman's attributes and/or defects. Generally speaking, I never feel comfortable with this, as many of my comments consist of "yeah" and "yup" and maybe an "uh huh". I suppose I'd try every now and then, but it always feels pretty phony when I do it. I mean, I like women. I like them so much that I even went and married one. Still, I don't feel that it's necessary to point out the things that I like about each one of them. I mean, I can look and enjoy without feeling the need to share it with everybody else. And as far as criticizing the way they look, well, that's just pretty shallow and says more about the person saying it than it does anything else. (And no, I'm not totally innocent of this, but you can probably count on one hand the number of times I've done it in my adult life.)

This, I guess, will be my attempt to do this particular form of guy talk in a somewhat unconventional way. Obviously, aside from blogging about it, I think that my comments will be different from what you hear on the average construction site. (And I've worked on construction sites, and they live up to their reputation - although they're not the only places where you hear that kind of stuff.)

Now, I'm not going to write about any actual women that I do know, mainly because that would be awkward for any of them, I'd imagine. Plus, if I were to include women that I know, then obviously my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, and all other women in comparison are twisted, hideous, Medusa-esque wretches that fell of the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down until they fell into a pile of poo from the ugliest dog that ever lived. So, this will be strictly limited to celebrities, and if my wife ever becomes famous, then she will be the only one on this list.

For starters, I'd like to address the women that Joe Six Pack can't seem to get enough of. Right now, there's this Megan Fox who many guys can't shut up about. Is she pretty? Sure. I don't know though - there just isn't anything about her that really gets me excited. I guess she just seems to be too much of a blank slate - perhaps her role in the Jonah Hex movie might get me to change my mind. The other one that men all seem to be required to like is Angelina Jolie. Honestly, I've never understood this one. There are times, I'll admit, when I've seen her in interviews and she's downright...well...forgive this word...lovely, but I just think that too much of a big deal is made out of her. It's like some committee got together and decided that she's beautiful, and all the men in the world had to agree to it while I was taking a nap or something. I'm not going to go into what I don't like about her, because as I stated before, that's pretty shallow, so I'll just let it end there.

As I'm thinking about the women I want to put on this list, there seems to be something that quite a few of them have in common - my wife has yelled (I exaggerate) at me for the look on my face when they come on the screen. Also, I'm surprised as to how fair-haired most of them are, as I figured myself more of a fan of women with really dark, even black, hair. Maybe those ones are just slipping my mind right now. Okay, here we go:

Naomi Watts - Kirsti commented when we watched King Kong that the film had a lot of drawn-out shots of her face. My instant reaction? "There's nothing wrong with that!" What can I say? As far as I'm concerned, they could make a two-hour movie of nothing but Naomi Watts close-ups and I'd watch it. She has this unique mixture of being both cute AND beautiful at the same time. I also think the fact that she's really talented helps, and I have yet to see a performance from her where she wasn't good. Another favorite of mine with her is 21 Grams, and she hardly gets the beauty-queen treatment in that one like she does in Kong, but she still looks really good.

Kristen Wiig - I don't know if she's been included on any "hottest women" lists. Not that she's unattractive, but I can't imagine that she immediately springs to mind when one thinks of these sorts of things - except for me, of course. I think that she's still a regular on Saturday Night Live, and when I still watched it, I pretty much always liked her. For me, the reason why she deserves to be on this is that she's funny. She's already cute, but her personality is what does it for me. My favorite thing she does is on the extended edition of Forgetting Sarah Marshall where she plays the Yoga instructor. There's this moment when she crinkles up her nose when she's talking that's just plain wonderful. Also, she does really good impressions, and for some weird reason, that does a lot for me. (By the way, my wife is really good at impressions, and yes, it's one of the many reasons why I love her.)

Jenna Fischer - Okay, I know that I'm not the only guy in the world who feels this way about her. She's the cute girl who sat next to you in high school that all the guys liked, but since she's not generically pretty, she has no clue as to how attractive she is. Just like Kristen Wiig though, she has personality and she's really funny. She's really awesome at understated humor, and it's not really so much what she says, but HOW she says it and the look that she has on her face.

Evangeline Lilly - I'm thinking that with the exception of possibly Naomi Watts, I guess I'm just a fan of the girl-next-door look, and it's better when a woman doesn't look flawless. (I think that's why Megan Fox isn't doing anything for me - maybe if her nose was a little crooked or something. Speaking of crooked noses, I like that woman who hosts So You Think You Can Dance and her imperfect nose is her best feature.) The character Sawyer always calls Lilly's character "Freckles". Good call. I never understood why so many women cover their freckles with makeup. I'm with Sawyer on that one. I wonder if she can do comedy...hmmm...

Kristin Davis - I'll admit it; I genuinely like Sex and the City. I think that it's a well-written show with interesting characters. Now, while Charlotte, personality-wise, isn't my favorite (that would be Miranda) she definitely is my favorite in the sense that she's the only one my wife yelled at me regarding that look on my face when she came on the screen. Not only is she cute, but she's in her early forties and doesn't seem to be losing it. (Maybe she's had work done - if so, I can't tell.)

I guess I'm going to end this with five even though about five more just popped into my head. After all, I put five men on my man-crush list, so I suppose that if I'm heterosexual, this should be an even easier list to do. Maybe now my wife won't worry that I'm gay. She'll just make me sleep on the couch for even suggesting that any other woman could possibly be even remotely attractive. Ha ha ha ha!!! My wife would never do that! Right, Kirsti? Right? Ummm...right?

Where are the extra blankets?