Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not going to have anything new and intelligent to say about Citizen Kane! I'm sure that I'd just cover the same territory as every other armchair critic like myself. I guess I'll take a different approach.
One time, I was told by a couple of teenagers that Citizen Kane, in fact, sucks. Apparently, the AFI and hundreds of critics have their heads really far up their own asses when they keep naming it one of the greatest films of all time. After all, these kids really know what they're talking about, just like I did when I was one. It's kind of amazing how much worse my taste has become and what a looser grasp on the world I currently have. Anyway, I thought that I'd get in touch with that smarter part of myself and explain to you guys the truth, so here it is:
Citizen Kane, is, like a totally boring movie that was made in like the 70s or something. It stars some fat guy who was in a bunch of other boring movies like Casablanca and The Wizard of Oz. The worst part about it is how I was totally confused and didn't get it.
Apparently, some old guy dies and says "Rosebud" then everybody wants to know what that means. SPOILER ALERT: It was a sled. A sled? How totally gay. Why does he care so much about a sled? That's stupid. After all, wasn't he like, this totally rich guy? Was it really so hard for him to just go out to the store and buy another sled? What a retard.
The movie also has all this other stuff and he doesn't age like a regular person. He goes from being old to being young to being old again. There's also a little kid in the movie who has a sled and he's taken away to live with a rich guy. They never get back to who that kid is. Maybe he could have just given Kane his sled and then everybody would be happy.
Kane is also hella stupid when he isn't being hella gay. He cheats on his wife and he has an affair with this one chick who sings opera, but nobody likes the way she sings. He still wants her to sing, but everybody tells her that she's no good! What's his problem, anyway? I can't blame him though, as this was before American Idol, and people didn't know about good singing then like they do now.
There's also this one dumb friend of his who is all obsessed with Kane's "Declaration of Principles". His dumb friend thinks that he's all cool when he shows it to him when they're both hella old. What's the point of that?
Oh, and Kane hung out with Hitler. Why kind of a hero is that? Man, this movie hella sucks.
Man, I sure hope that Roger Ebert never reads that review. If he does, he'd probably be pretty embarrassed about doing that audio commentary (in all seriousness - it's highly recommended) not to mention that one class where they analyzed it shot-by-shot.
And now, with no transition, I shall include some of my favorite, unconnected, quotes from the film:
Leland: You don't care about anything except you. You just want to persuade people that you love 'em so much that they ought to love you back. Only you want love on your own terms. Something to be played your way, according to your rules.
Charles Foster Kane: You're right, I did lose a million dollars last year. I expect to lose a million dollars this year. I expect to lose a million dollars *next* year. You know, Mr. Thatcher, at the rate of a million dollars a year, I'll have to close this place in... 60 years.
Bernstein: There's a lot of statues in Europe you haven't bought yet.
Charles Foster Kane: You can't blame me. They've been making statues for some two thousand years, and I've only been collecting for five.
Leland: I can remember everything. That's my curse, young man. It's the greatest curse that's ever been inflicted on the human race: memory.
Apologies to the teenagers who can recognize what a great movie this actually is...I know you're out there.