I went to my local urgent care today because I've had a low-grade fever for about three days now. Just when I start to think that I'm feeling better, it comes back again. When the doctor came in and asked me what was wrong, I broke down crying.
As some of you reading this may already know, I'm a high school English teacher. School got out last week, and this is the first full week of summer break. It seems like there's always a bit of an adjustment period when the year ends, as suddenly my routine is completely thrown off. Even though I've been yearning for all of this free time and even a bit of time to myself, it feels weird to be making my own schedule. Still, I tend to get over it after about a week and then I get used to my new routines.
This week I've found myself getting teary-eyed at just about anything. This isn't normally too strange for me, as I always get a little misty-eyed with my students when finishing Cyrano de Bergerac, and To Kill a Mockingbird. (The "Alas, poor Yorick!" scene in Hamlet seems to do it to me too.) Yeah, I'm a sentimental schmuck, I'll admit it. However, I've found myself getting genuinely teary-eyed at all sorts of things. For crap's sakes, I started crying while watching the scene in The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly where Clint Eastwood shares his cigar with a dying soldier.
Yeah, what the hell is wrong with me? Honestly, I'm not sad about anything. I have a great wife, a great son, a job that I enjoy, etc. I feel like I have a lot to be proud of as well, which is a sharp contrast to about ten years ago when I had a breakdown on my wife because I felt like I was an absolute failure at everything. That time, I knew exactly what was making me sad. This time, I don't know what's going on with me.
I feel a bit bad for the doctor who saw me because she certainly wasn't expecting it when I started crying on her. However, she did a great job of talking to me. Unfortunately, she couldn't find exactly what was wrong with me on a physical level, as I don't seem to have any other health-related symptoms. She ordered some blood work for me, and I'll get the results on Saturday. Aside from that, she suggested that if I feel up to exercising (like walking my dog, riding my bike, etc.) that I should do it. Also, she suggested that I avoid isolating myself. That's going to be tough for me, as I often WANT to isolate myself, but sometimes the things that we want aren't really the things that are good for us.
She also said that I was showing signs of depression, and she asked me if I was feeling suicidal or having any violent thoughts toward anybody. I can assure you, just as I assured her, that those types of thoughts weren't anywhere in my head. Like I said, I feel good about my life, yet I can't stop crying about everything.
Egads. I'll try to write more on this as I get it sorted out. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I'll leave you with a bit of Antonio from Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice, as it pretty much describes my feelings perfectly:
In sooth, I know not why I am so sad:
It wearies me; you say it wearies you;
But how I caught it, found it, or came by it,
What stuff ’tis made of, whereof it is born,
I am to learn;
And such a want-wit sadness makes of me,
That I have much ado to know myself.