Rapture Services!

As we all know, DA JEEBUS™ is one day (pretty soon) going to snatch up all the Christians and send them right to heaven. As for the rest of us Hindus, we're going to be stuck down here on Earth to face a great tribulation where DA ANTI-DA JEEBUS™ is going to make us all feel like he's really swell until we realize that he's actually trying to destroy the world. And even though he has free will, he's going to behave in the exact manner as the prophecies state even though that will end up in a defeat for him.

What exactly are those prophecies and how can one find them? They're all in The Bible. I can't tell you exactly what part lays it all out. From what I can tell, divining Biblical prophecy involves cutting out various passages from both the Old and New Testaments, putting them all in a hat, giving them to a rabbit to eat, having the rabbit crap them out, and then putting it all together again to get what you want out of it. This also works with Moby Dick if you don't have a Bible handy.

While many Christians are looking forward to this totally inevitable scenario (only slightly less inevitable than a zombie outbreak...man, that's gonna SUCK!) no doubt they are probably worried about what's going to happen down here on Earth while they're watching all the bloodshed and crazy shenanigans. I imagine that some of them are worried that a smug sense of "I told them so!" isn't going to be quite enough. After all, who's going to water your lawn? Feed your fish? Remind people that you told them so? You're not going to be able to do that from heaven, ya know!

This is where I come in. Are you a Christian who eagerly awaits The Rapture and is willing to pay me to do some stuff for you when it happens? I can assure you that I'm not lying when I tell you that I'm an atheist and will not be raptured. Yeah, I know, how can you trust an atheist? After all, I have no moral compass. That's why I frequently kill people and live a promiscuous, drug-abusing lifestyle (sure hope my wife isn't reading this!) How about this: I swear to Darwin! You know that's gotta count, 'cause us atheists revere him as a deity.

Here are my services and what I'm charging. The services will begin once you are raptured, and obviously, the contract will become null post Armageddon when Satan (and me too, I bet) are cast into a lake of fire/bottomless pit/Michael Bolton concert.

$5000 - lawn maintenance
$500 - take care of your goldfish
$1000 - take care of your cat/dog
$10000 - take care of your emu farm
$50 - tell all your friends: "You shoulda listened! Why didn't you just open your heart to DA JEEBUS™? Glory be to GAWD!"
$100,000,000 - getting plastic surgery and pretending to be you as though you never got raptured in the first place.

Other services and fees are subject to negotiation, but I think that covers your basic worries. As an added bonus, I will also offer services for the following doomsday scenarios:

Ragnarok
Quiyamah
Acharit Hayamim
Kali Yuga
The End of the Mayan Calendar
The Vengeance of Zeus
A Palin Presidency
Alien invasions

So, what are you waiting for? Put your money where your mouth is and pay me, already! Where's your faith? Nowhere if you don't contact me and send me money...FAST! Don't get me wrong, I think that you'd totally be wasting your money, and this is probably one of the most transparent scams ever. But hey - I'm an atheist! I believe that nothing created everything and that I am a god myself! What do I know?