Monday, February 1, 2010

Prayers for pregnancy

People ask me all the time which god they should pray to in various situations. For instance, the other day, some guy had a whole lot of water but wanted some wine for his party. Naturally, I told him to go with Dionysus, the Greek god of wine. He told me that he didn't want to pray to any god that turned people into dolphins, so I gave him the next best choice - Jesus. Sure enough, all of his water turned to wine and a good time was had by all.

Now that my wife is pregnant, people are asking for suggestions as to which god or goddess they should pray. Of course, some people are just assuming which one is the right one, and they're going with Jesus again. I'm not so sure that's such a good idea. After all, do you really want some guy who made it to 33 without losing his virginity to look after a childbirth? Does he even know where everything is and where it goes? Of course, you don't want to go with his dad (or is it him?) Yahweh. That guy drowned children in a big old flood. (This also makes Zeus a poor choice.) Not only that, but he killed all the first born males of Egypt one time. Whatever he is - a caring nurturer is not an apt description.

When it comes to pregnancies, you want to go with somebody like Artemis, or Diana, as she was known by the Romans. Artemis is a good choice because childbirth was one of her specialties. She also had other interests, as she was the goddess of the hunt. She's also a goddess that you don't want to mess around with, as she turned Actaeon into a stag to have his dogs tear him apart after he was spying on her while she bathed. Not only that, but she took out the giant Orion. What's her only downside? She's a virgin as well, so really how much can she know about this sort of a thing?

An even better choice towards which prayers should be directed is the Norse goddess Frigga. She was Odin's wife (very doubtful he let her be a virgin) and was also known for helping women in childbirth. She has some other good attributes as well, as she was able to see into the future. Not only that, but she was the only one other than Odin who was allowed to sit on his royal throne, Hlidskjalf. She was also known as being a protector of married women, so she's got the family values thing sealed. (Oh, and every Friday is her day!)

Of course, if you like your Norse goddesses to be a bit more promiscuous, then go with Freyja. She is most definitely not a virgin, as she has more in common with the likes of Aphrodite/Venus, but she was also one who looked after women when they had their babies.

Lastly, you might want to go with Hathor. She was an Egyptian goddess who specialized in love, motherhood and joy. Seems to me like she'd know how to bring the right kind of mojo to any expectant mother. Not only that, but she was often depicted as a cow. Fact: Cows give milk. Kids drink milk. Seems like a no-brainer.

As for the father, I guess your typical prayers to Thor should do just fine for me. After all, I don't want any damned Frost Giants ruining our special day.

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