Sunday, August 1, 2010

I am not excited

As my the birth of my son gets closer and closer, a lot of people have been asking me, "Are you excited?" Here's the problem: I am obsessed with accuracy. I often have to really restrain myself to not correct people, and I think that a lot of people would tell you that I correct people too often anyway. I once got really annoyed at some coworkers when they talked about the horned helmets that the Vikings wore, and I felt the need to point out that they actually never wore them. They looked at me like I was crazy. Whatever, the point is that even though it was just a casual conversation, I couldn't just sit there and let a trivial inaccuracy pass me by.

And that's where the problem comes with that question. If I was a normal person who didn't have this problem, I would just respond with, "Yes! I can't wait!" Unfortunately, there's just something in me that won't allow me to just tell them what they want to hear.

So, what's my problem then? Do I not care? Am I dreading it? Am I wishing that it wasn't happening? Well, no. In fact, those words are even MORE inaccurate.

The problem is this: it's too simple of a word. "Excited" is a word that I use for a lot of things, but the feeling for those things is not the same as the feeling that I'm experiencing right now. I'm excited about the Captain America movie. I'm excited about the fact that I finally made some really grubbin' gormeh sabzi today. I'm excited every Wednesday when new comics come out. I can't use the same word that I use to describe these things to describe how I feel about being a father.

What I'm feeling right now is better than excitement, but it's also far more complex. Part of this is that I have no idea as to what I'm in for with this whole thing. I haven't met my son yet. For me, he's still an ever-growing bump on my wife's belly (that moves around a whole lot). He's also a moving Rorschach test every time we see the ultrasound images. In other words, he's more of an idea than a reality to me.

The thing is, I'm at the point where I just want him to be here already. I'm glad that we'll be inducing a week early, which means that I'll still have one week of summer break before I have to return to work. Still, I wouldn't mind if he were to show up a little early, and even though it would make certain areas of my life a bit inconvenient (Freyja has an appointment to be spayed on Tuesday, and she'll need some TLC for a couple days while she recovers) I really wouldn't mind if Kirsti would walk in to interrupt me while I write this blog to tell me that we should probably be getting to the hospital. Hmmm...let me wait a second and see if she's coming.

Nah. Okay, I'll keep going then...

I'm also really looking forward to Thanksgiving, Winter, Spring, and Summer Breaks along with all of my various weekends and scattered holidays. I really can't wait until he's old enough to start talking, so I can start getting a real sense for what he thinks. I'm also hoping that he'll get into comic books, and if he does, it will be exciting to relive some of my favorite comics (like the original Stan Lee/Steve Ditko issues of The Amazing Spider-Man). More importantly, I can't wait to see what he gets into on his own. Will he be into science? Sports? Computers? I don't know, but I sure hope that he shows some passion for something.

I'll be honest about one thing. I'm more excited at the idea that I'll have a son than I am about the idea that I'll have a baby in the house. Honestly, I always have a fun time with little kids, but I really don't know what to do with babies. Like many men, I'm afraid that I'll break them. Aside from eating, sleeping, and pooping, I don't know what else they can do. And yes, I realize that my attitude will most likely change once he gets here, so please save your comments telling me this.

So no, I'm not excited. I guess what I'll have to do is print out this blog post and hand it to anybody who asks me if I'm excited. Yeah, that's the ticket.

1 comment:

Nolan said...

Couldn't put it into words, but this is pretty close to what I felt. Anxious, anticipatory, puzzled. In some ways, still in denial. All I can say is, it will be different when it's yours. Crackerjack wisdom, ftw!