Monday, August 16, 2010

The power of not praying!

True story. A couple of weeks ago I was weed-whacking the hill on the side of my house. As I was starting to finish up, I noticed that there were a lot of yellowjackets flying around. It was a mini swarm of them, even. After looking around a bit, I noticed that I had completely demolished their nest with the weed-whacker. Not only that, but I must have walked over it about five or six times. I walked up within a foot of where they were swarming in and out, but they still showed absolutely no interest in me.

What's going on? Are yellowjackets in Martinez, California a bunch of sissies? I can assure you that's not the case. Later that day, a guy across the street disturbed another nest, and he was running down the street as they all swarmed around him. To what do I owe my good fortune then? It's simple. I don't pray.

The reason why I don't pray is pretty simple. It mostly has to do with the fact that I see it as a one-way conversation. You know, it's like talking to your imaginary friend, only you don't use the word "imaginary" and you insist that you know that friend just as well as you know everybody else, even though you can, you know, take pictures and videos of everybody else. Still, even if I'm wrong and one of the billions of gods that humanity has worshiped at one time or another actually does exist, it's pretty obvious to me that prayers only annoy him/her/it.

I know what you're thinking. "Lance, that's jut a coincidence. You're making the classic post hoc ergo propter hoc logical fallacy. Just because one thing happens after another, that doesn't mean there's a connection!" Well, if that's what you're thinking, then you're an idiot. Besides, I know, deep down in my heart that it was my lack of prayer that made those yellowjackets completely ignore me. After all, they are known for being an aggressive species when agitated. I completely destroyed their nest and then proceeded to walk over it repeatedly! You call this a coincidence? Obviously, a higher power was at work not doing any work here.

Still don't believe me? Well how about this: I do not have any major illnesses. Sure, I had a couple of surgeries as a little kid, but I'm pretty healthy right now. I owe my health to my complete lack of prayers. Also, my wife has had to deal with both high blood pressure and gestational diabetes while pregnant, but all of the ultrasounds and non-stress tests are indicating that he's a normal, healthy baby in there. And guess how many times we've prayed for his health? Not even once between the two of us.

Sure, that's just me, but how about Bill Gates? That guy's insanely rich, and he doesn't pray either! How else could he become so successful unless some god or goddess was pleased with the fact that he wasn't always constantly annoying him or her with his petty problems?

I'll just add something else. I've often heard people tell stories about how prayer rescued them from drugs and/or alcohol. Well, I'm neither a drug user or an alcoholic. Maybe prayer can save you from your addictions, but with not praying, you never even get hooked in the first place!

I know what you skeptics out there will say. You'll probably say some nonsense about how prayer and not prayer seem to have an equal success rate. That's ridiculous. In fact, you need to shut up.

(And yes, I know this comes right after my post on how I'm done with religious criticism. What can I say? I was inspired. It must have something to do with the fact that I didn't pray.)


Nolan said...


Lance Christian Johnson said...


Did I use "or" when I should have used "nor"?

Ingrid said...

Maybe someone else is praying for you.

Lance Christian Johnson said...

Sure, but just think of how many people are NOT praying for me!

Ingrid said...

They don't count.