Friday, July 11, 2008

Stupid...or awesome?

I just read an article about a guy in Lima who had to undergo surgery to remove a knife, nails, and other metallic objects. Apparently, the guy is mentally ill. Obviously, eating metal is dumb - especially sharp metal objects.

However, there are always two sides to every story. I think that an argument can be made that swallowing a knife is awesome. Yeah, put aside all of the sensible, logical, and frankly BORING arguments about why you shouldn't do that. How totally rad do you have to be to swallow a knife? And then chase it with some nails? You just might have to be the most awesome person ever.

Just think, if you did that, somebody could threaten you with bodily harm, and you could just reply with, "Back off, buddy! I eat nails!" Then show him the x-ray. That dude will NEVER want to mess with you, because you have proven yourself to be a grade-A badassssssssssss!!!!

This reminds me of a story from a few years ago that I remember about a guy who killed a deer. Oh, he didn't shoot it. He killed it by challenging it to a bout of fisticuffs and totally kicking its ass! It had crashed through the bedroom window, and he decided to take the sucker on mano a hoofo. Not only that, but the fight was interrupted, and then he proceeded to go back into the room to continue the ass-whipping that he had already begun. And he fought it for forty minutes! Forty minutes of sheer awesomeness!

Yeah, you could argue, if you're a total wuss, that the smart thing would have been to wait for qualified individuals to come to the house and subdue the deer in a far less violent manner. You could say that it wasn't worth risking permanent bodily injury, and perhaps even his life, just to fight a deer. And if you're the kind of person who would say that, you might as well move to France, ya pinko! The guy is a hero! Most...awesome...EVER!!!!

I'm gonna go swallow some broken glass and pick a fight with that family of beavers that lives near the Marina. Oh yeah. I shall be awesome too.


Anonymous said...

WOW, how do you find these stories??
I guess 100 years or so ago these people would have been in the circus.I think the only thing more awesome than being able to do all that crazy stuff would be to get paid for it.

Lance Christian Johnson said...

My home page has an "Oddly Enough News" section. Good readin', that is.

flinging dust said...

You find the best articles about Terry Burton !!

Seriously, if a deer came through my window I'd be the one standing there yammering on about how cute he is and how he looks just like Bambi while the thing stomped me to death or something. I'm such a wuss.