Friday, July 4, 2008

War on the 4th of July

Quick, somebody call Bill O'Reilly!

Today, after buying some cheese from the deli counter at my local Nob Hill, the lady wished me a "Happy Holiday".

I dropped all of my things and growled at her. "Holiday? Holiday? HOLIDAY??? What the hell???"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I meant Happy 4th of July!"

"That's Independence Day, bitch!" I said to her. "What's the matter, do you hate freedom? Don't you know that, according to Sean Hannity, this is the greatest, best, most amazing, nacho-cheesiest country on the planet and all of its corresponding other dimensional realities? Hannity has conducted a very scientific survey, and his conclusions are air-tight!"

"Okay, Happy Independence Day then!" She was looking at me like I was the one who was being an asshole.

I didn't let her get away with that. I then stood there, with my hand on my heart and said the Pledge of Allegiance. (I even did it one better by saying "under the one, true God, Jesus Christ" instead of just "under God".) That was just a warm-up though, as I then proceeded to sing "The Star Spangled Banner" and then "America the Beautiful." After that, I recited the Declaration of Independence, the Preamble to the Constitution, The Gettysburg Address, Kennedy's "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech, several of George W. Bush's malopropisms, and the lyrics to "Proud to be an American" and several other songs, most of them by Toby Keith.

By this point, there were several people staring - as if there was something wrong with being patriotic! I then shouted at them that they all hated America. To really drive my point home, I leaped over the deli counter and cold-cocked the Blame America Firster, knocking her mask off to reveal - Osama bin Laden! I should have known! But wait, it gets worse - as I went in to punch him again, I noticed that he was wearing another mask! I pulled it off to reveal none other than King George!

"You've failed, your majesty," I said to him as I kicked him square in the nuts.

Why did I do all that? Because I'm a patriot, dammit. Now, pass me a Bud while I eat hot dogs and watch shit blow up.


Anonymous said...

Lmao! Your post kinda reminds me of a Scooby Doo episode with the villains wearing masks. They should make a far right version of SD, instead of a mystery machine the gang could drive an SUV.

Lance Christian Johnson said...

Hey, are you implying that you thought that I was kidding?

Perhaps it's time to quote some Toby Kieth. Ummm...foot up your ass, it's the American way...get drunk and be somebody...ummm...something about fishing. Okay, I'm out.

Anonymous said...

haha sorry I'm Canadian, I don't know any better in my maple tree hugging ignorance.

The Celtic Chimp said...

Hot diggity damn!

Now thats what I'm talkin about!!!!
Lay it on those liberal cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

God bless America. Yeeeehaaawwwwwwww