Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Whuh oh oh oh oh, whuh oh oh oh, whuh oh oh oh oh, New Kids suck

You know, I never thought that at the age of thirty four I'd find myself in a situation where I needed to convince people that the New Kids on the Block suck. By the time I was in my twenties, I figured that particular scourge had long since passed, and we were finally safe again. Sure, there were the Backstreet Boys, who were back, even though it was their debut, and they wanted it that way, but they didn't want to hear you say that they wanted it that way. But they were a minor blip (and when is the guy with the half-shirt, hoop earings, and cowboy hat finally going to come out of the closet? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with it, but who's he trying to kid anyway?) There was also N*Sync, 98 Degrees, Boyzone, O Town, *Ass* Hat, Butt Plugzz, Beefy & the Fuckups, and a bunch of others (I may have made a couple of those up), but the darkest days of crappy boy band pop seemed like a thing of the past.

This is where nostalgia can be a dangerous thing. It's bad enough that they made a Transformers movie, and there are plans afoot to make movies about He-Man, Voltron, and the Easybake Oven. But now nostalgia has infected the female populace, and the New Kids are on a reunion tour. Supposedly they have a new song. No, I haven't heard it. I'm too busy to deal with that, as I'm sure that there is an excess amount of lint in my navel that demands my attention post haste.

It was one thing when teenage girls, who were too young to know any better liked their music and bought their dreck. But these are grown women now. They ought to know better. I mean, haven't they moved on a little? My wife liked them when she was a kid, but she wasn't exactly jumping for joy when she heard about the reunion. I'm sure that if she had a free ticket, she'd go, but she's not exactly going out of her way to see them. (And I should note that my wife is much more tolerant when it comes to pop music - she went to see Cher with her mom for Pete's sakes. Cher! Brrr...)

What I have to wonder is how these New Kids look at themselves in the mirror. I mean, I don't know any guys my age who ever liked the New Kids. I certainly don't know any men my age who like that kind of stuff now. Am I really supposed to believe that these guys, who are about my age, actually like singing shit like "Hanging Tough"? Seriously? Yeah, they're making a lot of money - but still, how do they feel at the end of the day when they must face Satan and hand over a new drop of soulmatter? In all honesty, there isn't enough money in the world that you could pay me to be in a group like that. (Okay - if you paid me so much that I'd only have to perform on one night and then never work another day for the rest of my life, allowing me to devote my life to charity - then okay, I'd do it.)

C'mon, people. If you go see the New Kids, you're letting the terrorists win.

EDIT: My wife wants me to point out the fact that she only went to see Cher because her mom didn't have anybody else to go with her (her dad was sick that day). She doesn't like Cher. Apparently though, there are people out there who actually do like Cher. Scary, isn't it?


Anonymous said...

I'd watch Easybake Oven The Movie, Now With Broil! but then I guess I did pay to watch the Garbage Pail Kids movie a couple of times, sober.

Weren't you discussing in a previous post how you stopped trying to find new bands to listen to? Well, do you think you're the only one? If you are tired of hearing the songs you know and don't want to find new artists, then new New Kids On The Block is a happy compromise.

Personally, I can't wait for Marky Mark to stop wasting time on Entourage and re-bust out the jams.

-The Jakes

Lance Christian Johnson said...

I didn't say that I stopped looking for new bands. I just said that the new bands weren't impressing me at the moment.

Kirsti said...

You need to add a disclaimer about the Cher concert I went to with my Mom...pronto!

Like I would VOLUNTARILY go see Cher and her amazing opening act The Village People.


nonmagic said...

Uhh...Cher had some good songs...:::hides in shame:::

Lance Christian Johnson said...

No. She didn't. Seek help - fast!