Monday, October 13, 2008

Why I'm a Pastafarian

No, I didn't make a typo. I'm not a Rastafarian. I don't smoke lots of weed, believe that the white man is evil, nor worship some Ethiopian guy. I'm a Pastafarian, and it's time that I came out to my friends and family.

Pastafarians believe that the universe was created by The Flying Spaghetti Monster. After all, how else can you explain how complex everything is? Don't try, because you can't. Hey, you sitting there in your underwear - stop trying to explain it already. I mean, take a thing like gravity. Are you really going to pretend to understand how we all live on a spinning ball, yet we don't all go flying all over the place? What, is gravity some kind of magic? That's absurd! Well, with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, we know exactly why things fall to the ground. It's called "Intelligent Falling." Every time something goes up in the air, the FSM uses his invisible noodly appendage to pull it back down to Earth again. Think about it - it just makes sense. Don't believe the lies that those scientists are trying to perpetuate.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking - but Lance, didn't Mother Earth and Father Sky emerge from the Chaos, only to have Cronus castrate his father, thereby separating the two? And didn't Prometheus create humans? Well, why don't you pull your head out of your ass if you believe that? Those sorts of myths are stupid, and you're a stupid person for accepting them.

I'll tell you why the FSM is a better explanation. For those of you who believe that Prometheus made humans out of clay, you have to ask yourself how your ridiculous little story explains the evidence for evolution. You know, all that DNA and fossil evidence - that stuff? I'll save you some time - you can't answer it. However, Pastafarians know exactly why that evidence exists. It's because the FSM distorts the data in an effort to test the faith of these scientists! No other religious belief actually deals with the evidence for evolution. All the rest either ignore it or distort what these scientists are saying. Pastafarians are fully aware of the evidence, but we know it for the deception that it is - not on the part of scientists, but on the part of His Noodliness. Ramen!

Also, Pastafarians are the only ones who have a logical explanation for global warming. According to the teachings of His Noodliness, the decline of naval piracy has been a direct cause of temperatures rising across the globe. Oh, you want proof? Ever notice that there aren't nearly as many pirates as there were a few hundred years ago? And is it hotter or colder now? Check and mate, my friend! And not only to Pastafarians know what's causing it, they know what to do about it! Dress like a pirate! Think about it. If you would only take the time to dress like a pirate, global warming would be a thing of the past, but you won't because you're too busy worshipping some other, STUPID deity like Heimdall. Seriously - Heimdall? Are you out of your mind? Heimdall is an ass. I don't care whom I offend, but there it is.

I could go on and on - did you know that the Pastafarian afterlife has a beer volcano? What the hell are you waiting for - the FSM to appear in your next plate of spaghetti? Stop your sacrifices to Morrigan and get with the program already! To learn more about the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Pastafarianism, check out the official website.


Kirsti said...

How many beers did you drink before posting this?


I love you!

Lance Christian Johnson said...

Just one - blasphemer!