Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The hard-wiring of my brain

Something that's not a secret, but I haven't told everyone, is that I have been going to therapy for the past couple of months. It's an interesting sort of a thing, but I'll admit that at first, I was starting to have my doubts about it. I would basically just talk and talk and talk, and then later on when I thought about it, I would start to figure things out. For instance, shortly after going, I realized that I was blaming myself for things that weren't my fault, and I was powerless to do anything about in the first place.

The past couple of times though, I think that some real progress has been made. I've realized a couple of things about myself that make some of my behaviors make a bit more sense. Anybody who knows me probably won't be suprised by these things, but I'm learning that I'm far too critical of myself, with an obsessive-compulsive attitude towards it.

For instance, yesterday I had a parent tell me that her daughter was disappointed that she had to be transferred from my class, as my class was her "favorite." Another kid told me that he talked with a family friend about the Shakespeare that we had read in class, and the guy was interested enough to borrow the books from him so he could read it himself.

Then a girl told me that my class was boring. What did I dwell on all day? The "boring" comment.

Pretty stupid, I know, but I'm realizing that this is something that's hard-wired into my head. It's (probably) not the fault of my parents, as I really remember them as being more encouraging than critical. Recognizing that this is something that I can't help is actually a good first step in dealing with it. I need to take more stock in the compliments and kind remarks, the kids who are interested, the people who care about me, etc. than a few bad comments by an extrovert who thinks by talking.

Man, if only I could convey how it feels right now. It's so obvious - staring me in the face all this time, but I feel like I'm finally seeing it for the first time.

The thing is, this is leading to even more realizations. I need to stop getting all bent out of shape when people say things that are stupid and ignorant. I'm never going to change them, and stewing on the perfect argument to tell them so they'll finally see the light is a waste of time. There's other stuff too, but it's a bit too personal to write in a blog that I leave open for anybody to see.

The other thing that I'm learning is that I have some definite boundary issues. We haven't gotten to into it yet, but it's very likely that was built up when I was in the hospital when I was three years old. One time, Kirsti and I were at a wedding, and there were chairs all around. Some lady came in with her husband and sat down RIGHT NEXT TO ME. There were plenty of empty chairs! Whole rows even! Not only that, but the chairs were VERY close together. I remember getting up and telling Kirsti that we had to move, as I felt like I wanted to get up and scream.

Don't get me wrong, if it was crowded and there wasn't anywhere else to sit, I would have been only slightly uncomfortable and I could have dealt with it. Otherwise, it felt like I was being totally intruded upon.

It might sound weird, but I feel really good right now. Better than I've felt in a while. I have some phone calls to make which I have been putting off for a long time now. I think I'll go ahead and make one.


Kirsti said...

You have no idea how proud of you I am. I love you!

Ingrid said...

Lance, I am glad you are not blaming your parents, and you have no idea how much of your "fears" I see in myself. Some things just can't be understood.