We're winning!

The combat death toll in Iraq has now reached 4,000. Yeah, I know that sounds bad. But look on the bright side, it's not as bad as Vietnam. Not only that, but we're winning! Pretty soon, we should be able to stick up a big banner that reads, "Mission Accomplished!" Just imagine what that would be like. Go ahead, imagine it. I'll wait here until you're done imagining what that could possibly be like. It's difficult, I know, but just try. Picture it on an aircraft carrier if it helps.

Why are we winning? Well, there was the troop surge. How do I know we're winning? Bush said so! Pundits have said so! That means that we're winning over in Iraq now.

Of course, you really shouldn't question these assertions. If you do, the troops will somehow find out about it and lose all their self-esteem. Then they'll just roll over and let themselves be shot. One thing's for sure, American soldiers sure are a sensitive lot. They can handle being shot at. They can handle keeping their cool when stuck in a foreign land without interpreters. They can even handle being shot, it seems. One thing that they absolutely can't take though is your negativity. That's far too much for them to bear, so don't do it.

So, cheer up! We're winning! And when the windmill is complete, we'll only have to work three days a week! (Sorry, I still have Animal Farm on the brain.)