Friday, October 30, 2009

Lance, the Conqueror!

While doing the grocery shopping today, a stranger stopped me to congratulate me on yet another well-done Blog a Day month. I get this a lot. He said that his personal favorite was the one where I wrote about how I'm dressing up a little bit more for work. He shook my hand and thanked me for "all the wisdom and good times", but before he walked away, he had a question for me. Apparently, the man was confused, as he's been checking out the blogs of Scott C. Harris and Andrew Nolan, and both of them have made claims that they've been the winners.

He told me that it seemed to be pretty clear to everybody in his family and circle of friends that I was once again the winner. After all, there couldn't possibly be THREE winners, now can there? Still, he said that he had a nagging feeling that maybe there was something that he just wasn't understanding. Rest assured, I set the man straight. After all, I have a completely scientific™ method of determining who the winner is. Rest assured, my personal feelings and biases play absolutely no part in determining the winner. It's a mathematical formula that's as reliable as the Child Care Action Project's Entertainment Media Analysis Reports. Basically, it breaks down like so:

1. Did the person blog every day? In all three cases, this is indeed true. However, I can only say with certainty that I have every intention of blogging again tomorrow for the final entry. I cannot say the same for either Scott or Andrew.

Advantage? Lance

2. What about "Namaste It!"? While Scott feels as though he's been really clever by pointing out that I'm cheating by eating on the 31st, you will see that he has allowed himself to eat fish this whole time. Even if he hasn't, he has had the intention of eating it from the very beginning, whereas I have only had the intention of eating meat on the last day. Andrew eats a raw chicken every day for lunch.

Advantage? Lance

3. How about the "Stan Lee Challenge"? Andrew wouldn't know the difference between Stan Lee and Stanley Lieber, so he's out. Scott has done admirably, but I have been indicating exactly which title I've alluded to at the bottom of every post. Sure, my "Comics Roundup" posts don't have a "Stan Lee Challenge" title, but if you click on those, you'll see that Scott himself accepts my rational as to why I didn't do it.

Advantage? Lance

4. Who blasphemes more? Both Andrew and Scott have some impressive posts to rankle the religious, but come on, you just can't top Comics, Beer, and Shakespeare for regular doses of religion-bashing.

Advantage? Lance

I pulled out a diagram that showed these findings to the fella that I met at the store. Never fear, as he quickly realized the error of his ways for ever doubting that there can only be one true winner of Blog A Day Month, and that is Lance Christian Johnson. Because if you think about it, this blog really proves itself, whereas Andrew's insists upon itself, and Scott's cannot account for its standards. Just think about it and open your heart to this blog, and you'll see the truth for yourself.

This "Stan Lee Challenge" is a tribute to The Avengers #8: "Kang, the Conqueror!"


Nolan said...

Who the fuck is Stanley Lieber? Although this is clearly satire and self parody, I will admit that you're firmly in second place. Scott's interview with himself from last night assured a bronze medal.

Lance Christian Johnson said...

Who is Stanley Lieber? This is why you're losing to me. Don't make me break out the charts.