Monday, September 7, 2009

Obama's speech

Looks like some folks had a bit of a problem getting to the link of Obama's speech. Here's a copy/paste for all of you:

As salaam alaikum. That's how we Muslims say hello. I learned that when I was a little kid growing up in Kenya. Now, I know that there are a lot of people who think that I was born in Kenya, so let me just get this out of the way: I was not born in Kenya. I was born in Indonesia. Supposedly, it's against the Constitution for me to be President as a result. Well, I can assure you that this little "Constitution" thing is going to be pretty irrelevant soon enough.

I'm also aware that many of you are confused as to exactly what a Muslim is. Well, let's just say that it's some kind of Voodoo-Buddha thing that you rubes aren't smart enough to understand. Then again, all of you yokels aren't watching this anyway, so what does it really matter anyway? Don't worry - we'll get them soon enough.

Back when I was a young man, I had a lot of heroes. Sure, some of them were baseball players and movie stars, but the one who really meant the most to me was Karl Marx. He was the inventor of Communism, and his book, The Communist Manifesto inspired me to become the man that I am today. Not only was he a communist, but he was a socialist. That's what I am. How do you know? It's because that's what people keep saying that I am. Pretty simple, isn't it?

I also really liked Hitler and Stalin. I couldn't quite decide which one I liked better. As far as I was concerned, the two of them should have been great pals. Unfortunately, they hated each other. It didn't make sense. Supposedly they were both socialists, but they had problems with one another. Oh well, I guess that just because they didn't like each other, that doesn't mean that I can't love them both.

What I really want to talk to you kids about is my health care reform package. Basically, the main point of it is to kill grandparents. Let's face it. Grandparents are old. Sometimes they don't smell very good. A lot of them like Fox News, which won't be a problem once I institute the Fairness Doctrine. Still, they're old, they get in the way, and they need to be removed to make room for my army of Ubermenschen Nubian Super Soldiers that's getting ready to police every aspect of your society.

I also love abortions. They're great. Under my health care plan, women can't receive health care unless they've had at least one abortion. Also, I plan on making sure that every abortion doctor gets to live in a palace made of gold.

I suppose that I should also take the time to talk about how stupid Jesus is. In my religion, Scientology, we think that Jesus was an alien who had a mild case of retardation. He had a wonderful message, but it was perverted by Thetans who were lied to when they arrived on Venus.

But hey, enough of me. What about you? What are you going to do to help my new regime? Are you planning on telling your parents off tonight and reporting any of their suspicious activities to the hotline that I'm presenting at the end of this address? That'd be a good start. Are you going to bug your house? Organize a "Communist Party" party? Read Marx's speeches out loud on the street corner? That's a good start.

My point, children, is to tell you that I'm a socialist who wants to kill grandmothers and take away all of your freedoms? Which freedoms? Well...don't you feel a little less free now than you did before? This is just the beginning.

I'm going to leave now, but you'll see once I move that I have Lee Greenwood on a crucifix. Yeah, THAT Lee Greenwood. You know, the "Proud to be an American" guy. From now on, anybody who sings that song will be sent to a "Re-education Center" overseen by Rosie O'Donnel and Keith Olbermann. We shall replace that song with "Proud to be a Marxist Muslim".

Enjoy the rest of your day. Hail Satan.


Lori said...

Thanks for this. I feel like I'm going to burst with frustration at people's reaction to this speech. It felt better to laugh about it.

Nolan said...

I see what you mean about the line between satire and reality becoming more blurry than ever.

Ingrid said...

I haven't laughed so hard in a while......... not since the movie "Hangover".

Kirsti said...

That was awesome, sweetie! Thanks for the laugh at 6:30am. Love you!

knowledge said...

Very funny read, thanks for the laughs.

Jack said...

That is f-ing hilarious!